Day 328
The restaurant was dark, candles were on the tables. My memory is sketchy of the details but not the emotions. It was during the holidays and I was melancholy as I felt a sense of things to come. I was a prophetic little girl though I knew not then what it meant. I could identify the feelings but had no one to navigate me towards a spiritual understanding of the gifts God had placed in my life.
Black and white is how I see things. Though, over the years, I have learned to react in gray. Gray helps keep people around in life. The black and white gets too severe, too much. But gray, the combination of black and white, is kind.
In the restaurant, during the festive holiday season, it was a little boy who made me sad, very sad. His little face was surrounded by blond hair cut closely to his head with his little professor glasses. He, so full of life, adventure, curiosity, oh his dear little heart, made me sad. But I did not know why, Christmas was just around the corner. I should be happy, we had been window shopping, this was a "special" time. Upon reflexion, this was one of my early prophetic moments, seeing into the future and seeing sadness.
I began to look at the other people in the restaurant, how were they? What were they feeling? Why wasn't everyone smiling? Why was my heart sad? Maybe it was because I felt like I could actually hear their hearts. And they were loud.
Even then the world was not my home, I yearned for something else. I was amazed at how everyone was always trying to make light of everything. Why were we trying to make festive an event that should bring knees to the ground in worship. These thoughts were too big for a little girl, I was sometimes reminded of that.
Christmas is a season I have had to reckon with. We have had quite the relationship. I want to share with you my heart, my journey. I share it not for you to learn, there is no ulterior motive behind this. I share it because I want to. Because the polarized mixed emotions have begun to stir up inside of me. The lights, the trees in the window are like waves that either I can ride or be plummeted by into the ocean floor.
The universe maker has helped me ride waves such as these, high as the Empire State Building. These waves are always meant for surfing. He has shown me how to have fun, how to be festive despite and among the melancholy. He has helped this Ecclesiastes gal to let go and not be so serious.
But I see you. I see the pain. I hear your heart. You too are thrust about. You too have the choice to surf or crash. We both are uneasy with this time of the year. We know that to share our melancholy feelings with others doesn't seem fitting. To mourn, to share pain, well, it just feels so scroogish. And we hate to admit it, but, Scrooge is kinda our favorite character. But we are not keen on being the Debbie Downers. But it kinda seems like we are cheating on someone by not being honest. So, as you know, we are kind of a mess.
So, I will be sharing my Christmas journey. Don't even bother nestling by an open fire or attempt to make hot chocolate. In fact, this might be the only post of my Christmas series you may want to read. I completely understand.
However, I know who will be reading these posts. You! You and I make light of NOTHING. We think. And we think a lot. And most times, we think far too much for anyone to want to stick around when they sense we are about to get "Deep" on them. Their eyes glaze and do a bit of a spin but stop before they think we've noticed. Ya gotta know, us pathetic thinkers, who can't even enjoy a holiday, we miss nothing. We saw your eyes roll. Ours were rolling with yours. We get as frustrated with ourselves as you with us.
These posts might be a walk on the melancholy side, but they will never lose sight of the Sanity Maintainer, the Festivity Planner, the Hope Maker, the Tree Provider, and the Gift Giver! He navigates me through everything. I have often caught Him giggling at me, out right belly laughing. He helps me throw off my seriousness. My head goes back and I let out a deep belly laugh also.
I am so eternally grateful to have been snagged, grabbed, hoisted up and over into the Light Kingdom- the Electric Factory, at age five! It is my home. It is my rest. But it has always made times like this even more difficult for me to "just relax" and enjoy.
Read the December posts and ride the wave with me. You'll want Him as your surfing guide also. If you know someone else who is like us, share the posts. We love company.
