Day 93
Every night at 6 pm we eat dinner together. Not. Every day the house is tidy, the floors are swept and mopped. Not. After our evening meal we have a two mile walk. Not. Every night we pull out our various projects and sit around in cozy chairs listening to the music that suits our mood. Not. We continue to take turns reading out loud the riveting book we started. Not. We have a rousing conversation over the current events of the day. Not. We always have a nightly devotional. Not. We work together on our memory verses. Not
This is how it looked in college as I dazed into my future. It looked good. Real good. Or not! B-O-R-E-D-O-M. I know, I know, consistency is important and good. But it does drive me a bit crazy. I begin to want to destroy. I must work against this force but it is definitely a force to contend with.
So, how do I manage to keep from getting depressed from the disparity between my reality and my dreams? Well, many times, I do not do a good job. And I do let it take me down. Sometimes I air my frustrations to my children and they look at me with disgust by my inability to appreciate the moments we do have.
For, many times, we do sit around that huge, high, beautiful wooden table Kathryn had made and friends purchased. We have fun and spontaneous talks late into the night when we should be in bed. We do listen to music in our home as we have been privileged to have house concerts put on by our son. Many times we join hands and pray spontaneously. We have short skits that come out of nowhere at unpredictable times. Devotionals just don't work around here. We do talks! Many. We blitz and clean up the house and make sure the bathroom never stinks of urine. And we have read the bible together.
But the order is never the same. Years ago, under guilt that my children were not getting consistency, the Lord reminded me that he knew the woman he had given the children to. Oh.... thanks God! What did that mean?!
Exactly what it meant. These children were given to a woman who does things a little out of order, goes to the beat of a different drummer. Ok, a lot!
Your words made my cry. We are cut from the same bolt of cloth. I have often thought those same thoughts. This life just doesn't look like I thought it would. I always imagined myself being so much more organized and routine than I am. Tonight, when the last child went to bed, I surveyed the state of this house and thought "I just can't keep up. . ." I sometimes worry that my kids are missing out on learning how things should go because we are often just making it through the day . . ,and yet, we really do believe that we are living the life God has called us to live and therein lies the quandary. But you are right, if God wanted my kids to live a structured life in a spotless house, He would have given them to someone else.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I am so grateful that this entry encouraged you. I could have gone on and on. It is something I have wrestled with too much. In the end, I am always comforted by this thought: My children need me and not my automated machine like ways. I do not even have them. And trust me I am not railing against women who are structured. Many of those women have helped and encouraged me with some handy housecleaning tips. I need them in my life.
DeleteYou and your husband are being led by Jesus and that is the most important thing your children could ever see. This will prove fruitful, it will. I loved hearing about how you and your husband were navigating the path put before you.
God loves diversity. There is strength in diversity. I also love the diversity of how lives look. I revel in diversity in my spirit yet in the flesh I do want my life to look "put together" on the outside. Jesus keeps speaking to my spirit and encourages me to just look at Him. It's all about the interior life.
And the truth is we can't keep up. We are weak, we are in need and that is why we have Jesus. You are focused on the good stuff and you and I both need to preach the gospel to our spirits, continually. :)
Love you, Amy!
Love you too, Lynne! Thank you for your encouraging words. It is nothing short of God's goodness in giving us sisters to let us know that we are not alone. May God bless you as you walk in the light of the gospel.
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