Monday, May 2, 2016
Day 123: May 2, 2016 Unworthy Sense
May 2, 2016 Unworthy Sense
I feel inadequate, not quite enough. I definitely need more of something, not quite sure what, hard to put my finger on it. Surely there is something I can do to bridge the gap, fill the hole. I do not have enough, I need more. Of what? I do not know.
I should try harder. My eyes from sockets of unworthiness scan the horizon for worth, something to validate myself. Maybe I should do this or that. Will that make me feel included in the elusive exclusive? Will I ever be completely included based on all levels? I want complete inclusion. But what are the levels? Maybe that is why I do not ever feel quite there, I do not even know all the levels?
There is a scurrying in my spirit. I must get to the bottom of it. It leaves me unrested, discontent. Even though I "know" it is foolish, foolish I am. So I ask a simple question. "Jesus? What is going on in my spirit that allows me to wander down this path? Why am I looking over the neighbors' of the universe fence? What keeps me from enjoying mine?"
I wait for He always answers, I just often do not ask. I would rather wallow in these pathetic mind trails, or so it seems. In a picture He speaks.
The Trinity surrounded in warm yellow, bursting, energizing, invigorating light in a bath of the coolest, chillest, most soothing music, has their arms outstretched with fingers pulling me closer, closer, closer.
"LYNNE!!!!! Our dearest Lynne, we are here! The Almighty, Creator, God of the universe, the lover of your soul, Wonderful Counselor, your truest friend is here. With nothing I created the universe and with nothing I asked you to come. You have entered into the deep, abiding, inclusive exclusive relationship with Me. I have provided you all. Why did I have you come with nothing? Because I AM needs nothing. I AM your all in all.
Your inadequacy comes from the misperceived, ill notion that it is what you do that makes you who you are. Remember this misconception was birthed from a place of discontent, never from the lack of anything but a craving for "more" with a clear shove and displacement of the offered relationship. From the recesses of my ever loving heart, I offer you true identity, worthiness all based on me, my worth, my brilliance, my wisdom, my righteousness.
You and I are able to be in deep relationship because I took care of your worth, your security, and your confidence. My Body broken for you is where your feet are firmly planted. My blood shed for you is the River of Life. Your watershed is fresh and clean, unpolluted.
I know what you seek, ME. This establishes your worth and this is who I sought, You. I bought you and you are mine and it is in relationship to me that allows you to stop peering over the neighbor of the universe's fence. When this sense of inadequacy, this frantic searching for the elusive exclusive rears up, just look into my face, hold my nail scarred hand. I have given you rest.
Note to self: May the sense of inadequacy, adequately lead me to the more than adequate, and fuller understanding of the eternal fact that Jesus is my all in all. I need no other Savior.
And to that one person wondering why I, Lynne, seemingly confident person, should feel this way? Remember, we are all alike and at our core, though our external may not show it, we wrestle with feelings such as these. It makes no sense and that is usually when you can detect the "accuser". I share honestly with you for we journey together.