Thursday, June 11, 2015

Day 156 Listless, Truly

June 11, 2015
Day 156

Whenever I come home from a trip it takes me a while to recalibrate, adjust. It is almost as if I travel to another universe with different living conditions and a different reality. My return requires a team of people to reacclimate me to home-reality. This team never shows up, I always have to do it alone. It stinks.  It is not easy. I am in the "who the heck cares" zone.

"Earth to Lynne, earth to Lynne, come in, come in..............over and out! Sir, she's not answering."

My silent question upon re-entry is always, "Really????!!!!? I must be this busy in order to survive these conditions?" Until the answer to that stupid question really sinks in I wander around for a couple of days in complete denial watching with a simple stare the tasks stacking up against me in chaotic clumps.  I look at the tasks with a vacant stare. Whereas, upon departure, I looked at them with a keen watchful eye, wrote them down in my little "Fat Notebook," and ticked them off when accomplished. My lists that keep me in safe places and energize me, fade when I am gone. I become"listless," truly.

My little "Fat Notebook," what is that? It amazes me what a brief time away can accomplish. I have always known how to rest and well. I am so very present minded and I believe this aids the resting endeavor. When away, though there is a long list of things to attend to at the Elverson homestead, that list is hard to see from a distance. And so, I become listless while enjoying the moment at hand.

But now, day four, even though I find myself beginning to wind up, I am still relatively listless. The garden, the weeds, the mulch, the end of school wrap up tasks, the preparation for next year school, the graduation party in need of a date, the graduation parties to attend. Oh, for pete's sake! look at this list?! It is a wonderful list exuding life, opportunities, new beginnings etc. If I just keep thinking along such positive pathways the energy will slowly creep into my veins and before you know it I will be listfull again.

Though this vague, wandering, zombie mode occurs every time I return home from somewhere, I always forget that it does. It always takes me off guard. My thoughts roam around borderless, "Why am I feeling so blah? Where is my energy?" And on and on it goes. And then there is always a moment, well into the return, when I gasp, "Oh, yes! That's right, this is re-entry. It always takes me a while. That's it!" It happens like an epiphany, every single time. The impact of this insight is always invigorating, so why try and remember?! Ah, the little tricks of the complicated and not so complicated mind of Lynne Burkholder.

Insights old as the hills come at me with a brisk slap of freshness waking me to the reality of everyday life. Let it be. To be listless takes on a good connotation encouraging some blank stares. However, today, my lists need to happen. And so they will.