Saturday, January 2, 2016

Day 2: January 2, 2015 - Left Out or Not?

January 2, 2015
Day 2  Left Out or Not?

There are times when I feel left out.  Everyone seems to be going here, going there, making plans and when I am clearly not part of the plans, it stinks. It is a lonely feeling and there have been times when I feel so alone. Yet, when I stop to think, really think about what is actually happening I realize something else is going on.

More times than not it is just that I wasn't included and not that I actually wanted to do what they are doing. It isn't so much disappointment as it is unmet expectations. The "should be's, could be's, and would be's" are all killers and destroyers of sound mind. They lead to sadness.

My unspoken expectations when brought into the light reveal a lack of disappointment, frustration and even anger. But when I do not take time to uncover unspoken expectations I react in line with disappointment, frustration and anger.

Here is an example. One day Lynn was in the studio and I was in the house alone. The children were in bed and I thought, we could be talking but he was putting work before me. He should be in here. We should be spending time together. But, in reality, I should have been tracking all the "shoulds" and "woulds" I was using.

To be honest, I like to be alone. I like to think, by myself. And I really like to read, a lot. So, there was a perfect opportunity to do all of it, by myself. But what if someone came to the door? I should be with my husband. All of a sudden, like a sudden twitch and reroute of my thoughts, I realized, hey, I am not really mad. It is just that my expectations of what an evening should look like have been dashed. I picked up my book, started to read and had a lovely rest of the evening.

When I am lonely I now stop, look and listen. Am I really upset that I am not included? More than likely, no. Of course I can not be involved in everything, nor do I want to. Besides which I would be the world's worse hypocrite - for I don't even include everyone in all that I do. Also, most times, I do not even want to do what they are doing. An understanding of what I think should be or could be or needs to be leads me to unspoken expectations that mask my true feelings and create a false sense of what I do and do not want to do.

To sit and be content. Now that is what it is all about.